guest post: thoughts on motherhood, by christine dinsmore


christine is the bright and lovely presence behind the blog the plumed nest. she has three boys - the youngest of which are twins! - and is the owner/designer of two home decor shops: plumed on etsy and plumed shop. considerate and true, her words have always been an inspiration to me. thank you so much for sharing this tender story, christine!

When my oldest son, and “only” child, was 10 years old I found out I was going to have another baby. I never intended to just have one child, but as the years passed, I grappled with whether I’d have another. I wasn’t sure I wanted another “only” child. And definitely didn’t know if I wanted it to have two more! (I had my first at home and immediately swore I’d never give birth again!). 

Soon after seeing the home pregnancy results I headed into the doctors office for my first appointment. They did an ultrasound to make sure all was okay and while I was lying there I saw two black circles inside my uterus(?!) on the screen. I said “what is that? is that…?!” And the doctor exclaimed “it’s two babies! you’re having twins!” There was a definite moment of awkwardness as her excitement overshadowed my own. It was a lot to take in. I got in my car in a mixed state of joy and panic. Two babies?

Like most pregnant moms I suffered from intense feelings surely fueled by hormones during my pregnancies. Unfortunately, mine were usually of the rage-filled and extreme cynicism variety. And with that said I had a really hard time with my feelings about my “multiples” pregnancy. I had uncontrollable thoughts, such as, equating having two as having an “extra.” I spent time crying about people who couldn’t have children and, yet, here I was having two! Also during this time twins were definitely trending. Every magazine cover had a celebrity who was pregnant with twins: Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez. It was amazing, it was fascinating, it was lucky. I spent most of my pregnancy feeling like a big fat jerk. When the ultra-sound tech told me it was two boys, I yelled out “Nooooo.” 

But still I read all the books about twins, I fretted about the possibility of a c-section, I tried to pick out names, I rubbed my belly, I made sure I got enough folic acid and iron. Mentally and emotionally it was 9 months filled with a roller-coaster of emotions. People tried to make me feel better by telling me that they knew someone who had eight and nine pound twins (this definitely doesn’t make a pregnant-with-twins-mom feel better btw). People told me crazy stories that definitely didn’t seem rooted in making me feel better. But there was one story I read about a dad who shared some very similar thoughts I had been having, and in the end of his story he said that, after his wife gave birth to twins he ended up feelings so sorry for all the other parents who just had a “singleton.” I must have read his story a hundred times. And in the end, I could have written that same exact story.

My sweet babes came at 37 weeks, naturally, thanks to my amazing and supportive doctor (baby “b" was even breech!). My first fear was quickly relieved. They came out pink and healthy at 5 and a half pounds each, 20 fingers, and 20 toes. Second and third fears relieved. And because I had to have them in a hospital, in an operating room with a medical team, I couldn't have them immediately. When they finally brought me to my sweet boys all my cynicism was zapped away by the powers of overwhelming love. My greatest fears were relieved. In my inflated sense of joy, I, too, looked at all those singletons and felt sorry that their parents just got one baby instead of two. 

It felt like magic to see these two connected souls together. In my arms. At my breasts. Stretching in my bed to find each other. I’d compare it to winning the lottery, but I imagine it was so much better than that. And, still, after six years every single day I feel lucky. Parenting these two little guys has continued to fill my life and heart with so much joy. Even in the darkest of moments I hear bursts of laughter coming up from my belly, I feel surrounded by love, happiness, and wonder. And if that’s the extra I was in store for. I am so glad I got it. I was very lucky indeed.

Thanks so much Lucinda for having me! And happy mothers day to all the mama’s and those who take on mothering roles. 

you can also find christine on instagram here or on twitter here



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