guest post: thoughts on motherhood, by josianne lauber


first up in this motherhood series is josianne lauber, one of my oldest and dearest friends. she is the mother to lenia (born january 21, 2014), lives in switzerland, and teaches high school students at the "gymnase" level in the french-speaking part of switzerland. her partner in crime is mike. josi has the kind of energy that leaves you with your mouth hanging open and wondering how she does it all. she is driven, intuitive, and always keeps it real, which is one of the things i love best about her. thanks for sharing your honest and humorous discoveries, josi!

When Lew first asked me to write for her blog, I started thinking, “Do I want to take the funny route?  Or do I want to take the cheesy, `cry me lots of tears like at the birth of my child` route?”  Of course I chose the comedic one.  However, if asked, I can provide an additional “cheesy” route as well.Here are some funny things that I often tell my students about pre-motherhood and motherhood...

Context:  Before I was a mom, I would always tell my students that I would NEVER become “one of those moms who…” and then finished with some sort of “mom thing” I didn’t understand.  So I told them my thoughts about things that moms would say, but that I wouldn’t say/talk about when I became a mom…Additionally, I would like to share my current thoughts about these things, but generally avoid talking about these topics with people unless asked.

Gestation Weeks/Gestational Weeks
“I am at 27 weeks.  My baby is about the size of a (place fruit or vegetable name here.)”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  I don’t get it.  Uumm, so when is that baby going to be here?
Current thoughts:  Before Lenia was born, I would read up on how she was developing every week and saw these “she is now the size of an avocado” comparisons.  My brother’s wife did the same and my mom would ask them, “How is my fruity doing?”

Wife to husband “Did baby number 2 today?  What did it look like?  How many times did he/she go?”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Oh my god.  If I EVER talk about the color, frequency, texture  of my baby’s poop, please, please slap me.   Hard.
Current thoughts:  Who would have thought this is such an important subject?  It is especially important during that first week of life when POOP MATTERS.  However, I must admit this is a topic I would NEVER talk about in front of anyone else because I remember how grossed out I was before I was a mom. 

First smile
“My baby just smiled for the first time.”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Uuummm, yay.  I guess.  Or congratulations.  
Current thoughts:  There is nothing more touching in those first months than when your baby first truly smiles at you.  Not just a “I just farted” smile, but one they really mean. 

First tooth
“Oh my gosh, my baby is growing up so quickly!  He/she just got his/her first tooth.”
 Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Uum.  Okay.  Cool.  Congratulations?
Current thoughts:  It’s adorable when Lenia’s first two teeth were in and she decided she wanted to eat a whole piece of chicken!

How old is your kid?
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  18 months?  Okay, so almost 2.  22 months?  Okay, so like 2 years old.  24 months? Okay, 2.
Current thoughts:  Now I understand why moms had to distinguish between 14 months and 18 months. So many things change within such a short period of time and every month matters.  Previously, I had to try to do the math in my head and just rounded either up or down – whichever was easier.  Currently, I know exactly what the moms are talking about. 

Grown up mother – “Danny/Richard/Jim started walking when he was only 9 months old.  He was soooo early.”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Well, Danny/Richard/Jim is an idiot now, so that didn’t really help him much.
Current thoughts:  I haven’t met any normal human being who can’t walk.  So they all learn eventually and I don’t give a crap when your kid started walking.  Sorry, proud mothers!

“I breastfed my baby for (place number of months here).”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Uumm, congrats?  Good job?  More power to you?  Ouch?
Current thoughts:  Honestly, every woman should decide for herself what she wants to do and I don’t really care which you chose (unless you are like my BESTEST FRIEND and we really want to talk about it.).  Also, some women aren’t able to breastfeed, so shut up about the whole I breastfed my baby for …… thing. 

Nipple Butter
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Get a room!
Current thoughts:  Okay.  IF one breastfeeds, sometimes it is necessary.  However, I still don’t want to hear about it.

More Poop
“Tamara used the toilet for the very first time today.”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Gross.  Congratulations?  Good job?
Current thoughts:  Okay, so this getting dry thing is a big deal.  I get it.  However, I don’t want to hear about it unless it directly affects me.  For example, if your kid needs to use my toilet and you need one of those mini toilet seat things…  I don’t have one yet, but eventually will. 

“My baby has/hasn’t been sleeping through the night since/for (place number of months here).”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Ooooh, I was wondering why you looked so tired…  I’m sorry?  Congratulations?  Good job?
Current thoughts:  Babies and sleep seem to be a number one topic once they leave the womb.  I have been spoiled and “my baby has been sleeping through the night since she was 3 months old.”  hahahahahha  Please don’t hate me. 

Makin’ babies
“I don’t want kids.”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Okay,  cool.
Current thoughts:  Okay, cool.  I think one should respect everyone’s decision on this topic. 

“I take a picture of my baby every month.  That way, I can show _____________ when he/she gets older.”
Pre-motherhood thoughts:  Okay.  Cool.
Current thoughts:  My new nickname given to me by Mike is Mamarazzi. 
Well, I hope you enjoyed this special guest post!  Please email me praise or hate mail at josi[dot]lauber[at]gmail[dot]com


Lauren said...

Ha! This was great fun to read. I love the please don't hate me bit in super tiny text at the end. So much of this journey is our of our hands isn't in? Why are we giving each other such a hard time? XO


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