to the disenchanted

4.09.2015

Edited with #Afterlight
oh, spring. so full of life and so tender, at the same time. it's always been a season of challenges, decisions, and acceptance for me. very hit-or-miss. it's just so temperamental (if not needy), which is a bit too much for someone who considers themselves low maintenance.

i have been feeling tired and unmotivated lately. nearly everyday is a battle to fight off the malaise, leaving me disappointed and sheepish in in the struggle. sleep has been spotty and when it does come, the accompanying dreams are troubling. work and school have kept andy away from home a lot. and august's vocabulary has regressed, consisting of one word: NO. i don't mean to be such a downer because i realize these are just fleeting moments. ephemeral stages in the grand scheme of things, but sometimes you need to acknowledge the dark - embrace it even - to fully appreciate the light.

last friday my very pregnant twin sister came into town with her burgeoning belly, a harbinger of the season and a reminder of all its promise. we spent the day out numbered, chasing four little ones around and laughing at the madness of it. at night, we stayed up late eating ice cream in the kitchen and talking to our mother about family; its challenges and its joys.

on saturday we visited my older brother who is recovering from an organ transplant - the second time in his life he's donated to someone in need - and i looked at him, marveling how his role has morphed throughout my life from guardian, to friend, to colleague, and now, hero.

sunday morning, i watched august discover eggs hidden in the same lawn i foraged as a child and in the afternoon, we gathered with friends over a feast that left us as full and content as their company. at night, i slept with the same restlessness that has recently plagued me, but as my thoughts jumped from each of the weekend's events, i was reminded that life has its counterparts: absurdity and humor, messiness and grace, sacrifice and humility, dissonance and community.

and so it is on this rainy april day that i see pink blossoms against the grey sky and notice that maybe they are just a little more vibrant because of the bleary light. and somehow, in all this rambling, my energies are the slightest bit restored and i feel silly because it all will pass, just as seasons do. and it will return too, as temperamental as seasons are, but that's what makes each one so beautiful.

so, this is for me as much is it for you: live in it. see it. breath it. feel it all.

20 comments:

Petra said...

it's good to sometimes talk about the small struggles. that's what day to day life is all about. glad you are feeling a little better xoxo

ursula @ Nothern Ambitions said...

What a good post and something I think we can all relate to. I've never heard of spring described as 'needy' but it's so apt

Christine D. | The Plumed Nest said...

your writing is just so beautiful Lucinda. It always has such beautiful emotion. oh, that first trimester is so difficult. The fatigue! I hope you are able to pop in some dvd's that still keep augusts attention and have some cat naps on the sofa. and your brother. wow! hero indeed. xoxo

melaniekay said...

really pretty picture!
Melanie @ meandmr.com

Amy S. said...

Wow...You pretty much put into words how I've been feeling lately too. In my case it was more that a big milestone birthday really seemed to stir a lot up, emotionally.

And what you said about needing to acknowledge the dark to appreciate the light is spot-on. I think most people are don't always like to admit when they're having a rough time, but it's necessary sometimes so you can deal with what's going on and move past it.

Fiona Harding said...

I've been feeling similar and when I do I always remind myself life does travel in ups and downs, although much harder to acknowledge in a down period! I like hearing all your encounters, such nice moments weaved in and nice to focus in on them too!

lucinda said...

yup, you're absolutely right. thanks petra. xo

lucinda said...

in many ways the season requires a good bit of TLC, but i try to remind myself that all that attention and effort can result in some beautiful spring flowers and bountiful gardens. ;)

lucinda said...

i'm sorry that you've been feeling the same. it's funny how birthdays or new years or a change of seasons can shift our perspective. as optimistic/hopeful i try to be, i also know it's not healthy to pretend that everything is always happy and perfect. actually, i'm so glad it isn't! makes everything in this world richer. happy belated birthday, amy. i hope you feel better soon!

lucinda said...

:)

lucinda said...

true, it's a tumultuous ride! but holding on to the memories of those ups definitely help to make the downs a bit smoother. ;)

Hannah Smith | fox and willow said...

you have a wonderful way with words. <3 I hope you are able to get some really good rest soon!

Erin said...

The most gorgeous part about this is that your siblings, all three of you, are giving life at the same time. Through growing babies or giving organs to perpetuate life outside of their body...the whole thing is just radiantly beautiful, and you should all be so proud of the genetics you share! "because it all will pass, just as the seasons do." I'm clinging on to your words with such hopeful ferocity, you darling. xo

lucinda said...

thank you christine, your kind words and support always mean a lot. luckily, i seem to be over the hump (for now) and each day i feel a bit more energetic, but man! did august's nemo and buzz obsessions help pull the weight when i couldn't. hahaha! xo

Kaylan Buteyn said...

I'm sorry you're going through this, mama friend. Beautiful writing and I always appreciate your thoughtfulness. It's obvious you are such a gentle soul. I'd never want to push anything on you but please let me know if you want more info on YL oils-- not sure if you're into them yet but they might help with some of the things you're experiencing! xo lovely lady

lucinda said...

thank you hannah, your sweet comments always make me smile. xo

lucinda said...

oh, erin! there's some comfort in knowing that many of us are going through similar feelings at the same time. that's why it's so good for us to "talk it out" and to share the good with the bad. we'll get through this turbulent season eventually and then it's macaroons and gelato, which i shall enjoy vicariously through you! xo

lucinda said...

thank you, sweet friend. i'll be sending you an email soon.

Lauren said...

I love to read your posts, Lucinda. Your narrative voice is so distinctive and beautiful. And calming! Just what I need right now! ;)

Spring *is* needy, just as we all are at various times of our lives. I have to remember that it's okay to be that way. For a little while at least. XO

lucinda said...

so glad to be of some comfort! seriously, i have found so much support from you and our blogging community that it's an honor to provide any bit of that back, so thank you! xo

 

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