[tempo] fermata

a near-record week of posting and then, just like that, nothing. not even white noise (because, trust me, that's what i've been producing lately). it's an ugly sound, so i spared you. you're welcome. but i just can't, in good conscience, publish anything but sweet, sweet melodies. so when words fail, silence is best. and as debussy put it, music is the space between the notes. 

so yeah.

anyway, i don't bring this up necessarily because i feel the need to explain my silence. like i mentioned, it had it's purpose. i'm just trying to figure it out because the fact is, i've been in a slump. i'm hoping that by hashing it out here, i can move on. (i find the catharsis therapeutic.) 

so the hiatus:
i wouldn't quite say it's 'writer's block' that i've been suffering from - i have plenty of material - it's more of a inability to articulate. block or not, it's been incredibly frustrating because i do want to write, but when i attempt to, i just sit there, slack-jawed and staring that the screen. so then i don't want to write and am bitter about it; [this blog] was a stupid idea anyway. i'm like five-plus years late to the party and the playlist is on repeat so everyone's already heard all the songs hundreds of times. they're bored. but like a child, i don't get tired of a good tune. in fact, i think the music is pretty great, so i'm still dancing. and it may be a little pathetic, but they always say you should "dance like no one is watching" so i squeeze my eyes shut and dance even harder.

{sigh}

this diatribe has been a long time coming because, honestly, my motivation to continue writing on this space has been dwindling for weeks. blogging is a lot of work. there's something about keeping a public journal that imposes a sense of obligation that a private one doesn't - even without the throngs of followers. while, i kind of like feeling that others are holding me accountable, the responsibility also makes me want to run back to the safety of my moleskin where no one will never know whether or not i write. 

so just as i was trying to work through this rut, a friend brought up the topic of internet privacy and SLAM. another blow to my motivation. and since i was sort of already looking for an "out", the incident was a convenient excuse to not write some more. yes! sharing such intimate information is risky business, i should stop writing. i needed time to think about how much of my life i should divulge. 

i mean, it's not that i didn't consider the issue regarding privacy before; i did. for like a minute. and then quickly dismissed it because i had things to say and i wanted to write. the words don't come often so when they do, you've got to go with them - carpe diem and what not. besides, the idea of being so candid was thrilling. so i boldly went where i had never gone before (believe it our not, i'm not this open in "real life").

i did have the sense to make disclaimers and to choose my words carefully - you can't make a statement or claim these days without having some sort of certification that states your authority on a subject or a disclosure that covers any liabilities. but prudence goes deeper than that and despite my meager efforts, it turns out i didn't quite perform my due diligence. 

see, i always heard that you should write about what you know best and although i know a little about a lot, i know the most about me; thence the subject matter. the thing is, 'me' is composed of many experiences, people, and places - there's not much to 'me' without all those. so they should be included, right? but what if they don't want to be included. what if they're more cautious than i am. what if i should just keep my own brazen impulses to myself? hmm, that's a thought

the internet is a fascinating place; a wellspring of information; a fountainhead of creativity, spewing countless forms of entertainment. but there's a lot of garbage too. there are also many motives for using the internet, some of which are not made with the best intentions. so there's an unspoken contract to give and take AT YOUR OWN RISK. then, there are varying views on what's considered "oversharing", which brings social media in the picture. awesome, a whole other facet to add to my "duty of care". yeesh! i'm not sure i would've taken on this endeavor if i knew it'd be this stressful. but then i remind myself to relax a bit lot and not take this whole thing so seriously - it is, afterall, only a blog.

i guess it really just comes down to personal preference, or as we refer to it in my industry: risk tolerance. again, i'm slightly conflicted here (which i blame it on my inner libra) because i fall somewhere between averse and agressive - there's a lot of space between those two points, which leaves me with quite a bit of wiggle room, but no definitive boundry. great, more ambiguity.

well, i've only now really considered all this. like five months too late. and now a lot is already out there. i think i may have a bit of writer's remorse. thinking back on some of the things i've shared, i get a little sweaty. but what's done is done, so i'll take the concequences - which usually just entails some embarassment on my part so no harm no foul, right?

 
anyway, the way i see it, there are three options for moving forward:
1) cut my losses. close up shop and get out before i cause any further damage.

2) ignore the past and avoid the future by digging a great big hole to hide in and slowly fade into anonimity.
3) proceed with caution. use more creative liberties. ex: names can be changed to protect the innocent and details can be manipulated to my liking - historical fiction, if you will. it'd be fun; like a game. readers can try to distinguish between what's factual and what's made up.   

ultimately, i'd like to keep at this because i like writing and confession: i like being read. it's a creative outlet and on top of that i want to use my blogging powers for the good of the internet - i've learned a lot from it and would like to give back in a way. the internet has created online communities that wouldn't otherwise exist. it was a huge relief to read stories from other pregnant woman when i was expecting; i found courage in giving naturaul birth through the sharing of other women's experiences; i've been inspired in my marathon training from reading the logs of other runners; i've built an amazing catlogue of delicious recipes from other vegetarian foodies; and i've been able to map out vacation itineraries thanks to the recounts of other travelers. just a few examples of what i've taken, so that's why i want to continue to give in my own way. thoughts?